Hi all,
I am in desperate need of your help, I feel as if my life is meandering towards a miserable end, and here’s why.
A short history about me – I am 27, I spent my youth neglecting education, in favour of sport. I attended the gym from the age of 15 to 22, and lived in sublime shape. I played a lot of football (soccer) and prided myself on my appearance. However, from the age of 22 onwards my life has spiralled dramatically, and these are my ongoing issues that are debilitating my health to the point I feel I cannot recover.
At 22 I began to work in food retail. I was a customer service manager, and was on an ok salary. During my two years of work there, the company underwent huge change. Several staff were made redundant, people were on the brink of losing their homes due to losing their jobs, staff bonuses were withheld, it was hell. I felt so bad for the staff and the people affected that I felt as if I could no longer go into work. I was 22 and telling people they were being made redundant. I was working over 50 hours a week and getting paid for 39. I no longer had time to work out, and was binge eating junk food that was readily available in the supermarket, often ordering and eating pizza on the journey home in my car. I was working over an hour away from home and had to travel on the motorway each day, thus had to purchase a reasonable car that would cover my fuel costs and last the slog. I purchased a car for £6,000. However, my mental health got worse and worse and I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed a tablet called Sertraline. I was also told that my heart was acting up, due to anxiety, and was prescribed beta blockers. I remain on them to this day.
As mentioned earlier, I neglected my education. I thus made the decision to leave the job (I was off sick for large parts of my time there at this point) and go back to education. I was roughly £9,000 in debt, due to having no income whilst I was off sick and having to make payments off my car and mortgage. It was probably not the wisest decision, as I needed money, but it was something that motivated me to get out of bed and attempt to combat my depression.
At 25 I enrolled at a top 5 University and now read Law. I am in significant debt to a bank (£17k), after using a personal loan to help support me whilst at University, and to also consolidate my other debt. I am just about making payments but struggling.
I am now 27, and my life seems to have plummeted. • I am 19stone 10lbs, I have an awful relationship with food and cannot seem to fix it. I go on myfitnesspal and log good food, and then I get chronic headaches until I need something sugary. I am obese, and I struggle to breath some nights.
• I no longer go to any gym, I cannot afford membership. I do not work out and I hate working out. I think it may be because I was forced to do it for my sport at such a young age and with such an intensity that I no longer can tolerate exercise.
• I still suffer with depression and anxiety and my medication is now at the highest possible dose the DR can give me, I consistently have suicidal thoughts and the crisis team have had to tend to me on occasion. I harmed myself significantly last year and it broke my parents.
• I have no routine, I don’t sleep. I stay awake until 5/6am and wake up at 1/2pm. Often missing University. I try to put it right but I just cannot. It is so difficult, especially being obese, I often wake up with bad lower back pain.
• My grades have suffered, I have gone from B’s down to C –‘s. I am performing poorly at University and this is further affecting my health. I just cannot concentrate on my studies, I do maybe 20 minutes and I just get upset and angry and have to stop. I just have no focus.
• I am in significant debt. I can only just afford my repayments. I can obviously afford food but at times have had to resort to a food bank when times are tough. I have no car and nothing to sell other than an iPad, which I use for University. I cover my mortgage cost and all my bills. I have placed notice on two contracts to reduce my monthly expenditure by around £70. Every other bill is an essential. I keep all my gas and electricity usage to a minimum, and cannot borrow anymore on my mortgage. If I lose this apartment, I will be homeless.
• I am addicted to a video game and I sink hours into it. I often think about it in bed and when I am out. It really dominates my thoughts.
• I masturbate heavily.
What weakness have I identified?
It seems I have zero willpower and discipline. I do not know how to train it or bring it back. I really want to, it just seems as if I can’t, no matter how hard I try.
Why am I telling you guys this?
Because I have seen the wonderful help you have given people. I have seen the advice and the kick up the arse people have needed. Sometimes sharing your problems with people outside of your circle brings a fresh perspective, especially when there is so many of you.
How can you help?
I need advice, I need a routine, I need a structure to my life, I need to address all the above problems. I don’t know which to start with, how to start, how slow to take things. I am just so confused I cannot think logically or clearly, even though I am capable of doing so.
I feel as if I am at the end, and twice this week alone I have walked to a cliff edge and contemplated my life. This is my final call, please help.
P.S - It is 06.33. I haven't slept.
Submitted March 30, 2018 at 11:06AM by dstar91 https://ift.tt/2pPXYFG
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