I'm 26, male, live in a 3rd world country, have no job, no degree and no significant relationship with any other humans. I finally realized that i've been a NEET (A NEET is a young person who is "Not in Education, Employment, or Training") for almost two years now. I have an unfinished degree in Computer Science and worked for almost six years as a web developer.
I've struggled with depression for as long as i can remember. I was officially diagnosed three years ago by a psychiatrist. I consulted with one the first time when i was at my worst. I tried a bunch of antidepressants. All they did was give me a bunch of different side-effects from insomnia to chest pain. After that year of trying those meds i gave up on them because they were making things worse than better and i started doing CBT therapy. After a while I quit my job because of how bad i was and used some money i've saved along the years working to backpack through Europe to see if that would spark some desire for life in me (a friend had this trip planned and invited me and i went along). It was a great experience but ofc it didn't fix me. Continued therapy for some time and then dropped it too (my work insurance didn't cover therapy so i was paying out of pocket)
My uni degree has been on hold for 3 or so years. I'm stuck at the very end. To earn it i just need to write a thesis, that's all. And so far i simply couldn't do it!!! The funny thing is that until that point i was very accomplished in school/uni/etc. I've been always one of the top students in every class i've been a part of. That accounts for: elementary school, high school, technical course in informatics, english language course, german language course and university. I attribute that partially to the fact that i've never studied in a super rigorous and prestigious institution. Still, it seems i'm definitely not sooo dumb as i often think i'm. I once in a while was a 10 student but was consistently a 9. I'm lazy though and never had to put that much effort in school. I don't know why i can't do this. In that CBT therapy thing i tried figuring it out but it didn't work. This semester my dad convinced me to enroll for this last class in uni again. Instead of writing a 5 pages research paper due monday (tomorrow) i'm here late at night typing this shit because i'm freaking out and quite certain that i won't write it.
My uni is private and not super expensive. That said, i'm wasting my father's money again since he's the one that pays for it. I lost count of how much of his money i basically threw in the garbage by failing at this thesis "class" along the years. I get filled with guilt whenever i think about it. He asks me about it whenever he sees me (I live with my aunt since my grandma died and am neighbours with my parents). I eat most of my meals at my parents' and do the rest of my so called living at my aunts'. My dad pays for the shared internet between the houses too. My mom is retired. So basically i'm a leech on my family's money. I don't drink, smoke or have any addictions like that. I spend my days sleeping, working out (when i manage to), reading (it was one of my biggest hobbies in the past unfortunately not so much now), watching lots of stuff on the computer, gaming (i have online friends that keep inviting me to play stuff otherwise i wouldn't play anything on my own), studying a bit of german daily and well, reddit. I'd say most of my time i spend alone (like 90%). And a lot of it goes unused; like i put music on and stay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering about my mediocre life or feeling lonely and sad. When i manage to get out of my house it's basically: home->gym->home. Once every many months i might manage to meet up with friends, but that's quite rare.
I have almost no social skills. Never had a gf nor anything even close to that. I've been to many parties and met many ppl but i always struggled with low self-esteem, etc. I'm just the weird guy that makes people laugh with the funny shit i say sometimes. I don't know how to turn my sense of humour off when i'm with people because my social skills are limited to that. I don't know how to have a meaningful conversation or how to meet people. All the emotional connections i've ever had were with girls i met on the internet and that lived on the other side of the world, away from me. Ofc that has never worked out long-term but it was better than no connection at all. These pseudo-relationships lasted usually around a year each and in the end they always finally found someone in real life that could give them the same degree of attention i did and i was left completely alone again. It's quite sad...
I have no goals in life and never had. No passions. Nothing. I always went with the flow. My dad said i should take a technical course during high school in order not to stay the whole day at home doing nothing. So i did. My dad said i should go to uni and enrolled me on this private uni so off i went. During one of my uni classes the professor asked who there already had a job in our field and everyone raised their hands, except me. And so i went finding a job. Found one and stayed there for years saving almost all the money i earned because i had no big material ambitions. The job didn't pay good but wasn't thaaaat stressing, i had no ambition and no big life expenses since my dad foots most of the bills so that's why i stayed there for so long. I never liked my profession much because in my company things were half-assed quite a lot. And also in this field there is way too much stuff that you must learn on-the-fly. Because of that i often felt i wouldn't be able to accomplish some task. Anyway to me it's simply a potential mean of subsistence not something i enjoy doing, etc.
I wish i could finish this degree though. It's better than having no degree at all. If i could then my father could see his money wasn't totally wasted on me... Also since i live in a 3rd world country if i had my life figured out i'd want to get as far away from here asap. I say this because living in big cities here is not safe. I was mugged many times. Here in my street two people were shot dead in the last year (i even witnessed one of the shootings through my livingroom window). Urban violence is a prevalent and serious issue in my country. This year i'll finally get my dual italian citizenship recognized and by having an italian passaport i could move somewhere in Europe. I speak somewhat acceptable english and some german (~A2.2). I still have a substantial quantity of money saved from all my years of working as a dev (around 10k euro with the current currency rates) that could finance such a move.
I see the time passing by and i'm stuck in this inertia for so long. I know i can't rely on my family forever as they wont be around forever. My dad is almost 60. The day he passes i'll be completely fucked if i don't change! I need to grow up before it's too late. I have no "adult" skills. Can barely cook or fix anything in a household. I'm like a bigass useless brat :/ I've lived a sheltered privileged middle class life that's simply unsustainable in the long run... I think i'll use some of my saved money to start therapy again soon because i won't get out of this mess alone. Besides that I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure i'm gonna fail uni this semester again. I don't know how to handle that. How to tell my family. I feel so alone and broken already. However, i'm much better than i was when i quit my job. At that time i had daily anxiety attacks and used to cry every day in the bathroom there. Nowadays i'm just apathetic, which in my opinion is much better but still not good enough. When i manage to completely distract myself i'm quite okay like when i'm around friends cracking jokes and stuff but whenever i stop to think about life i get depressed because my uncertain future scares the shit out of me. Feeling like a loser all the time takes its toll on one's sanity. Sometimes i think that if i didn't have to worry about the future and the fact that i'll have to find a mean to provide for myself to keep a roof over my head and food on my table then i'd probably be able to live a less miserable existence and simply accept my fate of staying alone forever...
So reddit, how do i break out of this curse? Any insight? Anyone managed to get over similar struggles? I'd really like reading some insights. I'm so desperate that i even used an analytics tool to figure out the best time to post here to maximize my chances of getting a reply haha :(
Anyway thank you for reading this shitty summary of my shitty life. Writing it was a bit cathartic... I hope you have a great week as compensation ;)
p.s: sorry for the big rant and for the many english mistakes.
Submitted March 27, 2017 at 05:06AM by JustAn0th3rThrowAway http://ift.tt/2okSyjp
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