My life seems to fall apart more and more each day. New struggles keeps presenting itself. I'm becoming numb to my surroundings. I've been having more frequent breakdowns in the middle of the day. I would wake up and start crying and pacing around the house, losing my breath, screaming, begging for a sign.
I grew up in a poor single parent household. Quality of life was never the best. Grew up in an apartment infested with cockroaches. Then we moved to 2 bedroom basement apartment. And now to a townhouse with mice constantly finding it's way in. There are days where we don't even eat.
I try to stay positive and keep telling myself "one day these struggles will disappear. My mom will no longer have to work hard. We will find a home where we can live comfortably"
But I can't keep telling myself that anymore. I'm losing hope and I'm scared THIS is going to be my life. I'm unemployed. I can't find a job. In fact I just got an email from a local Wal Mart declining my application. Wal Mart fucking declined me. I'm getting burnt out applying everywhere (and I mean everywhere. Even jobs I know I don't have a chance of getting but I still send a pity email). I never finished high school. I left because of my insecurities and lack of confidence. I would hyperventilate every morning before school that I had to leave. I eventually got my "Good Enough Diploma". I'm in debt. Collectors are contacting me. I have letter with me right now that I'm too scared to even open. I don't have a car. I don't even have my driver's permit. I sold my bed just to find a bit of cash. I'm gaining weight and my health (mentally and physically) are starting to take a hit.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't need millions. I don't need a mansion. I don't need fancy cars or the latest tech and fashion. I just want to be financially comfortable. I want to reach a point where I can take care of my mom and she doesn't have to work as hard anymore or at all. I want to wake up knowing I don't have to worry about if my mom and I will be eating today or not. I want to wake up knowing I have no more debt.
I just don't see a future for myself anymore. I lost myself and I don't know how to get myself back. I used to be full of hope and now there's nothing. I want to keep believing things will turn around but after 26 years and no real progression... no matter how much I try... nothing changes. My situation is no different than how it was 5, 10, 15 years ago. In fact, it just got harder because now I have my OWN problems on top of having problems with the family overall.
How do you keep going on when NOTHING seems to go right?
Submitted March 05, 2017 at 01:16AM by ohheytherestranger http://ift.tt/2lKKZ4T
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