Lately, I’ve been really depressed and don’t know what to do with my life. For the longest time, ever since I was a child I wanted to be a professional fighter. My parents never supported it of course and forced me to go to school. So I did. I graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice and started work in a probation program for the government a year after graduation.
It was an awful job. I wasn’t even a probation officer, I was an assistant. It was my first job ever and it was a government job. I thought that if I worked hard and was a team player, then I would be rewarded. I wasn’t. It was a small department with only 8 staff members and I did most of the work for my co-workers. My actual job assignments were to do drug tests and to answer the phone but I was doing much more than that. I transported clients to jail after their failed drug tests, I picked clients up from jail to take them to the office, I drove clients to their clean and sober houses, I counseled the clients, I did all of the paperwork, and much more. I was pretty much doing the probation officers’ jobs for them. I was a fool. I should’ve told them “no” when they asked, but I didn’t. And they just kept asking for more and more. They also complained about how long it took me to do their jobs, even though I did it much quicker than they did when they actually did their jobs.
The plan was to get my foot in the door and apply for the probation officer position when there was an opening. There were 2 openings during my time there. I applied for both and got turned down for both. They hired two people with no experience AND they had me train them. I lost 30 lbs due to stress and lack of sleep while working there. I decided that for the amount I was getting paid ($13 per hour) and the amount of stress I was going through, it wasn’t worth it and left after 6 months. When I was getting ready to leave, a co-worker warned me that the department head was really spiteful and always gave bad reports when used as a reference. I was worried about that, but resigned anyways. I gave them 2 weeks notice and was professional about leaving. But alas, after leaving the department, I was unemployed for 4 years.
During my unemployment, I applied for other government jobs. I applied for social worker jobs, parole officer jobs, etc, but never got hired. I feel that it’s because I used to work for the government and left, so they don’t want me back. I also applied with the police department, but failed the psychological exam. I taught martial arts at a rec center as volunteer work to stay busy. It took a long time, but I managed to get a security job that pays $11. I’ve been doing that for over a year now.
I also had a realization during my unemployment, or at least I thought I did. I thought that maybe the bad job and unemployment was a sign from someone above to get me to pursue my dreams. I did exactly that. While I was struggling to find work, I started training in MMA. I’ve been doing martial arts ever since I was 9 years old, but decided to pursue MMA and start competing when I was 23. I competed sporadically from 2012-2015. I have a record of 4-1. I was sidelined for most of 2015 due to an injury during one of my fights. I almost tore my rotator cuff. I started training again during the second half of 2016 and am still currently training.
However, lately I feel that my fire is gone. When I was younger I wanted to be the best. I wanted to be a world champion. I looked forward to training and it was fun. Ever since my injury, training feels like a chore. I don’t look forward to it and it feels like something I have to do instead of something I want to do. There IS a part of me that wants to fight and be a champion. I think about competing every day and always have ever since I was little. It’s just that lately, I feel mentally exhausted. I’ve been training for so long and I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. I’m also starting to consider the consequences of competing. I never cared about injuries or brain damage when I was younger. I felt that it was the cost for greatness. However lately, I’ve been wondering if the risks for injuries and brain damage are even worth it.
To go a layer deeper, I’m not even sure if fighting is my actual dream or something I attached with to get a sense of identity. I had a pretty traumatic upbringing with my narcissistic parents constantly telling me that I’m “not a real man”. They always told me I wasn’t a “real man” whenever I couldn’t live up to their impossible expectations. Nothing I did was ever good enough for them. So I honestly don’t even know if fighting is something that I actually want to do or if it’s something that I’m doing to prove to myself and to my parents that I am a “real man.” On days where I don’t feel too bad or depressed, I feel that fighting is my calling. That it’s what I’m meant to do. There were times in my life where I felt like ending it all, but the only thing that kept me from doing it was my dream of being a world champion. My dream of fighting has kept me alive. But then on the bad days, I question if my dreams are mine or just something I’ve attached with to feel better about myself. Because of the way I was raised, I still have confidence issues to this day.
On top of that, working at my retail security job has gotten to me. I am sick of dealing with rude and entitled customers. I am looking for other jobs, but it doesn’t seem like I have many options; just other security jobs with similar pay. What bothers me the most is that I have friends who dropped out of high school that make more money than I do because they have more experience than me. I haven’t been able to get a job that requires my degree (mostly government jobs) since I left the government.
So here I am, 27 years old and lost at what I should do. I’m not any closer to getting a “real job” and I’m unsure if I should even pursue my dream anymore. Right now, I’m in a mental rut and am sick of training. I’m also pondering the consequences of competing. However, there’s a part of me that knows that I’ll regret it if I don’t go all the way. I feel like I haven’t reached my potential yet and need to achieve more. I feel that I should at least become a regional champion before I hang up the gloves. I just don’t want to regret not trying my best and giving it my all. It doesn’t matter if I don’t reach my goal; I just want to know that I made a genuine attempt at realizing my dream.
I don’t know what I should do. Logically, the thing that makes the most sense is to keep applying for jobs while continuing to pursue my dream. My parents want me to apply with the police department again, but I can’t handle its hiring process right now with the mental state that I’m in (it’s a really long and stressful process). My parents also want me to go back to school and get another degree, but I don’t feel that it would help at all and would probably make my situation worse. I feel like getting away from everything. I’m really tired and I want to stop training and stop going to work so I can refresh. The daily grind of working and training has gotten to me.
I know this was really long and I thank you if you actually took the time to read it. I’m just really lost right now and need some guidance.
Submitted January 22, 2017 at 06:05AM by Sharplooking http://ift.tt/2jLv3kK
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