I wanted to post this here because I often felt like I would never get to this point, so I hope my experience can help someone else.
I've suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I remember telling my family I was depressed when I was in elementary school and it being brushed off because they thought I was too young to understand. But here I am 15 years later completely overhauling my life while I'm coming to terms with the startling realization that I just might have "beaten" it.
Is it 100% non-existent? Of course not. It's something I will have to keep with me forever. But I'm finally at a point at which it no longer has total control over my life. I still hear those negative voices and thoughts, but I challenge them now. I force myself to stop and address them as soon as they start.
It didn't happen overnight. It took a lot of work and a lot of taking a deep look at who I am, the experiences I've had, and what I want in life.
I'll take a step back to when this transformation all began. Before I do, I'm writing this sentence to let you know that that voice of doubt just came into my head and told me not to write this post because I'll just sound stupid. I took a second to stop, breathe, and remind myself how helpful it is for me to just write this stuff down and that no piece of content I produce is going to be liked by everybody and that's normal and ok.
So, where it all began. I was working as a successful financial advisor, still dealing with my anxiety and depression as usual. I started taking medication a few years ago and while it has definitely helped, it didn't bring me to a point at which I felt "normal." Money from the job was Italian chef kiss, but I quickly learned that I hardly had the time to do anything with it because I was always working. I was getting burnt out, and my mental health was deteriorating. Then I ran into the perfect storm.
Whatever you think about the 2016 US election, I feel like it definitely shattered a lot of ideas about our ability to predict the future. It planted the seed of doubt in my psyche. Not doubting myself but doubting those voices in my head that were telling me I couldn't change things. It felt like anything could happen, and that feeling only grew stronger a couple weeks later thanks to work.
My job made the decision to take an entire department and demote everyone, reduce their pay, and remove a week of vacation. A lot of people were upset. I realized this might be my out. I walked in the first day after my Christmas vacation and turned in my two weeks. Fortunately, they walk you out that day and just pay you for another two weeks. I was free. I was so excited to have done that. I quit my job. I quit a six-figure job because why? Because I wasn't happy. And for the first time, I did something to take charge and take control of my own happiness.
Thennnn I realized waltzing in and quitting your job isn't as romantic as it sounds. Trust me, it was a one-way trip on the ol' struggle bus. Sometimes, I'd be in awe of the multitude of opportunities that lay before me and excitedly explored all the things I could do with all this free time. Sometimes, I'd feel like I'd never get another job and would end up on the streets. But no matter what, I tried every day. Some days, I'd try for all of 5 minutes before giving up and lying in bed all day. But I'd try.
I ended up spending a lot of time thinking. I started to ask myself why I was depressed, why I had panic attacks over things like accidentally dropping a burrito bowl in the kitchen, and what, if anything, would make me feel "normal"? After a lot of soul-searching, I realized that my deeply-held worldviews and personality traits inevitably led to the mental state I was in. I'm ambitious and a perfectionist, so naturally I'd be hugely critical of myself. I grew up constantly hailed as "the smart kid" and "the talented kid" and felt everything I did had to match these high expectations. I'm not religious, and the idea of death scared me so much that I would force myself not to think about it.
I started therapy. I hated it. The therapist seemed like he'd taken the same AP Psychology course I did and just spat terms at me. This was my third time in therapy and objectively the worst. I really just felt therapy wasn't for me. I rarely if ever had a therapist suggest something I hadn't already tried. I approached it openly, and I think anyone struggling with mental health should try it as one of many possible solutions down the road to recovery, but it just wasn't working for me.
So in between job searching and Mass Effect marathons, I started slowly picking apart my issues myself. Reenacting the worst manifestations of each and thinking about what a healthy reaction would look like. I (SLOWLY) began to become more at peace with making mistakes. Recognizing that we're all bumbling around trying to make sense of it all. I reminded myself that while 1 in a million people might make the "dumb" mistake I just made, there are a million different mistakes being made by a million different people every moment.
I made myself face every fear and "taught" myself as best as I could. I taught myself that there are SO MANY people on this earth that you cannot possibly hope to please them all. That none of us fully understands the mysteries of life and the Universe around us. And that no one knows for sure death is the end, and even if it is (as I still believe), you're not going to care about being embarrassed about the things you did while alive because you just won't be. So I can do whatever feels right and save feeling embarrassed for after I'm dead. (wow spirit me is gonna be so mad but he'll get over it)
Perhaps most importantly, I accepted the fact that everything good in life requires some sort of sacrifice. There's just no way around it. You sacrifice time, money, energy, & other opportunities with every decision you make, and because of that, you can make a convincing argument for practically any thought or action if you approach it from the right angle. This revolutionized things for me, and I began to accept that all I can hope to do in life is try to keep things balanced. I'm in control of the angle at which I approach things, and there's always going to be a negative to any choice I make. And that's ok.
I kept trying. I forced myself to go to the gym, to go out with friends, to try new things and make improvements in my life. I was stressing about money, but I kept sending out resumes and going interviews. And sure enough, a few months and a little bit of debt later, I'd secured a work-from-home job at a company full of ambitious, kind, and supportive teammates. I'm making literally 1/4-1/3 of what I made in finance, but it's enough to pay the bills with a little bit of budgeting.
It's been about 6 months since I got the new job, and I'm feeling better and better every day. I continue to work on improving my life. Working from home means I have a little more time and flexibility to focus on the things I want to do, so I've been able to explore things I've always wanted to do. I set goals and make daily progress toward them even when I don't "feel like it." I feel like my life is finally going somewhere.
I had help, of course. I continue to take medication, I cuddle with my dog during the tough times, and I have my partner and my best friend who support me. But I had all of those before and still felt hopeless. Things didn't change until I made the decision to change them.
I thought I'd be suffering for the rest of my life. I worried if I'd ever function as a "responsible adult." I still recoil at new and unfamiliar experiences, and sometimes I still have to recognize when I may be getting a little overwhelmed and need to take a step back from the situation. But for the first time, I feel like I can finally be me. I'm still learning about who "me" really is, but I know that I'm finally transforming from my worst enemy to my best ally.
Submitted February 23, 2018 at 09:45PM by saltheron http://ift.tt/2sQ1pAL
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