I am now just one chemo treatment and 5 radiation treatments away from finishing. This has been a very different experience than my first go around nearly five yers ago on so many different levels. I wanted to share a little of what I have learned so far on this journey.. I have a lot of experience with cancer, my family and my wife have more experience with cancer than they care for. I can safely say that they are all ready for this to be over. Sadly it never will be, at least for me, cancer is like a bad date that will never end and I so want it to end. That doesn't sound very positive does it, this is Get Motivated... I mean I am supposed to be strong, to be a survivor, you got this Tom.... I do have this but this go around has opened my eyes.. There are many different cancer narratives, and everyone with a cancer diagnosis has their own, some identify as survivors, some rally and do everything they can to support the cancer cause that is meaningful to them, some get angry, some retreat and some find meaning in cancer that is life changing. That would describe how I felt after my first battle, it did change my life for the better, so much so that I was almost glad it happened. Last time around I breezed right through my treatment and didn't blink an eye. I came out on the other side largely unscathed not to minimize what i went through, brain surgery and radiation are never a walk in the park, however I didn't miss a day at work, had no pain and very few side effects. This time around without going into detail, I am getting the full cancer treatment experience and its hard. Since my last treatment I buried my father, I am angry that cancer took him and I miss him. Did I mention the PTSD I had before every scan, that fear my cancer would come back, unfortunately thats one irrational fear that came true. When I found out my cancer was back I was dumbstruck, I retreated, I buried myself in internet research, ignoring my wife and family, hoping to discover hope for a cure, a magic bullet. I scoured through clinical trials and research into breakthroughs in head and neck cancer. I knew I would not find anything new I already had been keeping a close eye on the research for my documentary. But I was compelled to keep searching, not to find answers but to escape my reality, the reality that I was about to yet again go to war with cancer, something i did not want to do again. I was largely alone during my first diagnosis, I am not alone this time I have my wife by my side and I am sure that would not be the case had i not experienced the growth I had after my first diagnosis something I am truly grateful for. We have learned to lean on each other, to ask for help and give each other strength. I did discover hope, and I didn't find it online, I found it in the love and support of my wife, family and friends. I found it by paying attention to life, listening a little closer being more grateful and remembering that dwelling on the pain only brings you more. I am grateful for my life and the opportunity to give back and grow. This time around my narrative is different.. I learned, that its ok to be scared, angry, lost and vulnerable to give up control. That having a bad day or a few bad days, doesn't mean you have lost your spirit or that you gave up or aren't strong. In todays world it can feel shameful to not have it all together, I learned that you don't need to have cancer to feel lost, there are some things a pill wont fix until your ready. I learned there is strength in breaking down, because that gives you the opportunity to rebuild, better, stronger, wiser and that your spirit truly is Invincible..
Submitted May 05, 2018 at 06:49AM by The_Tom_Thumb https://ift.tt/2rkH6aQ
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